I have struggled with dark thoughts throughout this pregnancy. It's a general feeling, almost like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. A lot of these thoughts center around losing this baby. I don't have this feeling all of the time, but it has happened several times and it is really pressing in on me today.
I keep telling myself I don't think these thoughts are coming from a source of truth and light because I don't think they would feel so dark if they were. It's hard for me to remember that, though, especially when they are as strong as they are today.
I'm not sure what started these feelings. Maybe it's the rocky start we had to this pregnancy or the worry that came with Bill being laid off shortly after we learned we were pregnant. Of course, those things have worked out well and we have been very blessed. The pregnancy is going really well now and my OB keeps reassuring me that everything looks good. Bill started his own company and things seem to be moving along there.
Maybe it's just the rash of the things that have happened in Bill's family this past year. The extended Buhler family--including Bill's immediate family--has had lots of health-related struggles this year.
Maybe I'm just more aware of all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy than when I was pregnant with Sandy. Bill's cousin Megan lost a baby last year and my sister recently told me about her friend that lost a baby at 25 weeks. She would have had her baby the same time as my sister and I are expecting ours.
Maybe it's been kind of a rough week and that is getting to me. I took my car in Monday for a minor car repair and the mechanic discovered that the timing belt is frayed. So he is fixing it, but I still don't have my car back. I feel really blessed that he discovered it, though, because Bill said if it had gone out while I was driving it could have done serious damage to the engine. That would have been more expensive - and my mom is coming into town next week and we are having a baby shower for my sister and it would definitely have been more inconvenient to be without a car next week. Tuesday our vacuum cleaner died. But Bill thinks he can fix it if one of us can just get to the Hoover store to pick up a couple of inexpensive parts. So, really, although this week has had some inconveniences, I would have to say things have worked out just fine -- at least they will if I get my car back tomorrow morning so I can get the last couple of things I need to finish the cake I'm making for the Cub Scouts blue and gold banquet tomorrow night.
For some reason it seems to help to label the feelings so I thought writing about it might help. Of course, a good night's sleep will probably do more good than anything else, so I guess I should head to bed!