Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Dark Thoughts

I have struggled with dark thoughts throughout this pregnancy. It's a general feeling, almost like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. A lot of these thoughts center around losing this baby. I don't have this feeling all of the time, but it has happened several times and it is really pressing in on me today.

I keep telling myself I don't think these thoughts are coming from a source of truth and light because I don't think they would feel so dark if they were. It's hard for me to remember that, though, especially when they are as strong as they are today.

I'm not sure what started these feelings. Maybe it's the rocky start we had to this pregnancy or the worry that came with Bill being laid off shortly after we learned we were pregnant. Of course, those things have worked out well and we have been very blessed. The pregnancy is going really well now and my OB keeps reassuring me that everything looks good. Bill started his own company and things seem to be moving along there.

Maybe it's just the rash of the things that have happened in Bill's family this past year. The extended Buhler family--including Bill's immediate family--has had lots of health-related struggles this year.

Maybe I'm just more aware of all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy than when I was pregnant with Sandy. Bill's cousin Megan lost a baby last year and my sister recently told me about her friend that lost a baby at 25 weeks. She would have had her baby the same time as my sister and I are expecting ours.

Maybe it's been kind of a rough week and that is getting to me. I took my car in Monday for a minor car repair and the mechanic discovered that the timing belt is frayed. So he is fixing it, but I still don't have my car back. I feel really blessed that he discovered it, though, because Bill said if it had gone out while I was driving it could have done serious damage to the engine. That would have been more expensive - and my mom is coming into town next week and we are having a baby shower for my sister and it would definitely have been more inconvenient to be without a car next week. Tuesday our vacuum cleaner died. But Bill thinks he can fix it if one of us can just get to the Hoover store to pick up a couple of inexpensive parts. So, really, although this week has had some inconveniences, I would have to say things have worked out just fine -- at least they will if I get my car back tomorrow morning so I can get the last couple of things I need to finish the cake I'm making for the Cub Scouts blue and gold banquet tomorrow night.

For some reason it seems to help to label the feelings so I thought writing about it might help. Of course, a good night's sleep will probably do more good than anything else, so I guess I should head to bed!


Heather said...

I can understand what you're saying about having dark thoughts. Right after I got pregnant and found out about my cousin losing her baby I started feeling really nervous about my pregnancy and then when I had to have my appendictomy I was even more anxious about my baby's health. I honestly remember feeling so much more positive with my first pregnanc--it started freaking me out. I'm really glad I started practicing with the hypnobabies--if only for the affirmations track that you're supposed to listen to everyday while your doing whatever because it helped me get a much more positive outlook. Thankfully Vivian is here and doing well but I was really worried for my baby the second go around too.

HeRoosSheRoos said...

Isn't it weird how much writing things down can help? I consider my journal a very inexpensive therapist. ;) I'm sending good vibes your way.

TheIcePixy said...

I've been having the same problem lately . . . I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or what. I've also wondered if it's because of the recent deaths and losses and things that have affected me and others I know. It's been a struggle though. I'm sure the lack of sleep I've had hasn't helped either, though that is actually getting better. After having my baby it was hard for me to remember to read my scriptures every day like I had been doing, but when the dark thoughts got really bad a little while ago I realized that I hadn't been doing that so I've been making a point to try and squeeze that in, even if I miss it in the morning, if I can do it before bed at least, then I usually feel better, even if it means staying up later after Kate is finally asleep.

Anyway, we love you and are praying for you.

April Elizabeth said...

I think what you are dealing with is not uncommon. Without going into to much details about my issues when I was pregnant with Autumn, I can say that I had the same problem. I wonder now looking back if I was suffering with depression during my pregnancy not just post postpartum.
I was on bed rest the whole time...I was with both of them actually. But Autumn being my second had me much more worried. I knew what I was in for. I had done this before. I knew all the more what could go wrong and I knew people who had had some very hard trials in trying to bring children into the world. One friend in particular who lost her baby right before I had mine. Then there was a popular song out at the time...the words were all about a mother losing her baby at birth and a movie that I saw depicted something rather tragic along those lines too...

It is hard becuase we want so much for things to go well. We put all our heart and energy into our great desires to have a wonderful life and experience. Maybe we hope if we are aware we will be prepared if anything goes wrong. I did a lot of praying in those times and just had to pray my way through it. It is normal these feelings. I heard a general authority say once that we as woman really walk through the valley of the shadow of death when we bare children. I believe he is right. I think it makes us feel our fragile humanity in a way others do not. It feels precarious at times to be pregnant. We become so aware of how powerless we are. We are only co-creators of these children. They are the Lords and I think we really feel that deeply as woman.