Friday, September 28, 2012


After researching options, I decided that I wanted to be induced and give birth. I talked to my doctor. She wasn’t sure if that was an option, but she was supportive and called the hospital to see. They said absolutely.

Tuesday morning, we dropped the girls off with their grandma and headed to St. Mark’s hospital. The staff kindly indulged my request to do one more ultrasound just to make sure. Then they gave me Cytotec to induce labor. (which, for future reference, I think is way better than Pitosin which is what was used to induce my labor with Sandy).

After a 16-hour labor (compared to 8 hours with Sandy and 3 hours with Abby), we had a baby boy and we named him Peter. We got to hold him, he fit in the palm of my hand, but he was my baby – hands and feet and even eyes, nose, and mouth. He looked perfect – the doctor agreed, there was nothing that gave us any indication as to what went wrong. (So I guess we’ll never know, in this life at least. We were told that testing is expensive, not covered by insurance, and not recommended until the third miscarriage.)

The doctor and nurses that worked with us were kind, compassionate, and supportive. The nurse took pictures – and printed them so we could take them home. We had a chaplain come in and speak with us, a couple of times, actually.

I feel so blessed that I was able to go through labor with the support of the wonderful staff. The pain of labor was amazingly cathartic, being able to see and hold my baby brought me so much peace.

Our families and friends have been so supportive. We have truly felt the prayers that were said in our behalf.

After some discussion, we decided to bury Peter. So this afternoon, Sandy and Abby went with Bill and I to a cute little cemetery, the Elysian Gardens. We sang a primary song and Bill dedicated the grave as Abby and Sandy danced around with balloons and asked questions about their baby brother. 

This week has been emotionally intense - there has definitely been grief and pain and loss but there has also been so much spirituality, kindness and beauty.

Friday, September 21, 2012

No Heartbeat

I went to my 14-week OB checkup Wednesday and the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. “”This isn’t anything to worry about, sometimes it’s just hard to find,” she said.

Today we had an ultrasound. When the picture of a tiny, but fully formed infant came on the screen, I noticed immediately the absence of a heartbeat. Maybe I’m just getting better at knowing what to look for in ultrasounds, but both ultrasounds with this pregnancy have been so amazingly clear. The ultrasound technician did a vaginal ultrasound to be sure, and we could see the tiny cavity where the heart should have been beating. The last thing she did was check the sound waves. They were flat.

The baby measures at 12.5 weeks, which is when we assume whatever caused the heart to stop beating happened.

I haven’t had any cramping or bleeding. The only sign is that my nausea has subsided, but I assumed that was because I was in my second trimester.

Monday afternoon we will meet with my doctor (she was out of town today) to discuss options, such as a DNC.

We told the girls. Sandy was concerned she or Abby had done something to cause it, she was convinced it was because they sometimes like to lay on my stomach. We assured her there was nothing they could have done that would cause this. Her next explanation was, “that baby’s spirit just wanted to go back to live with Jesus, huh, mom?” Yes, Sandy, our baby is in heaven with Jesus. Abby’s comments as we told them were “so sad.” and “You cry, mommy?” Yes, Abby, mommy cried.

I really appreciate the thoughtful, kind messages we’ve received today. I haven’t been answering my phone much or responding to all the messages we’ve received, but if you sent us some kind words, please know that we really appreciated your message.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Crazy Hair Day

Sandy wanted her hair a different color for crazy hair day at preschool. Her initial request was 6 different pony tails, each a different color. This was the compromise:


Pigtails. One red. One black. Using hair spray coloring that I had leftover from last Halloween and conveniently happened to be her school colors.